What are we shaming ourselves for? Where are we shaming others? Where does it add to our lust and where does it start to be in the way?
We were talking tonight about a politically, and sexually hot topic: shame!
Hans’s presentation about kink and shame, and the effects of being shamed in our culture (and also within our scene). After that (in the non-recorded part of our long) we had a long and interesting talk with personal stories about shame…
When and where were we shamed? When we were courageous enough to get out of the closet? And then we noticed another kink and had to come out of the closet. Or we were busy elsewhere and we didn’t notice that we were in the closet again by leading our life?
‘The Closet’ has a revolving door…
Hans West
We all agreed that it is important but sometimes hard to find yourself a ‘herd’ that you are comfortable within.
Inside shaming
And there were examples of ‘inside shaming’: people shaming the starters because “they do not own the ‘right’ gear (yet)”. Why not help them find the ‘good addresses’ and include them in their new herd? Would that be because we were shamed too when we got into the scene? The pressure to own enough gear to “be part of the club” on the one side competes of course with the fetish of having ‘uniform’-parties with people that all wear the same fetish gear. There is not one ‘right’ answer, but wouldn’t it be great if “the old uncles” 😉 help the starters.
Of course, wearing the right uniform can get you in the ‘right’ mindset. But if you are a student and you do not have the money or the addresses?…
Getting out of the closet
A young pup talked about his experience that his ropemarks were seen by his classmates, and instead of making up a story about cupboards or bicycle accidents, he ‘fessed up, talked about his BDSM-practices.. And he was met with interest and questions and respect for his answers. Often we think that we will be rejected and we actually aren’t. It was in our heads.
But we talked a bit about the risks of getting out of the closet too. Parents, employers… people you’re dependent upon can make it harder to get out of your closet because of the fear they can actually harm your position. And that is true, sometimes. Sometimes, parents are prepared to reject their kids for their fetishes or queerness. And sometimes we might have to split our ways with certain people in order to regain our freedom. It is a price you pay.
But getting out of your closet is never going to be comfortable. The question is: how much ‘uncomfort’ can you cope with? There is no one that tells you that you “should be able”. It can be important to mindfully confront your social fear (shame is a social fear).
We noticed how shame has to do with your anonymity and invisibility. And that is location bound too. The bigger the city you go to the lesser the shame…
Who’ll recognise my ass in another city? (big city ‘freedom’)
Jan
We talked about the attractiveness of saying nothing because it seems ‘easier’ to say nothing… and how that actually ends up more ‘expensive’ because you lose the initiative and are more likely to be shamed by others for your kinks. It is better to open the door of your closet yourself and do not wait to be ‘found out’… Hans is helping people in their closet phase for instance by finding their ‘sales pitch’ by which they get out of their personal closet. Don’t start your closet-talk from shame but instead from lust, fun or shared curiosity.
Having the lead in this process and taking up your own ‘sales pitch’ in your coming out gives an experience of control.
When you are getting out of the closet sometimes small signs of belonging can be important. Little pins or rings can give you wonderful feelings of freedom where you a lot of people that are not in the know won’t even see your signs.
We heard a story about being pushed out of the fetish-closet by the smell of the gear: a niece with a good nose for rubber asked the right questions at the wrong moment 😀 And still -even if forced- when you get out of the closet in most cases that lands better than we had expected when we were in the dark about their reactions and were fantasizing about “What will they say?”
It is good to be aware that the shame that your loved ones may feel are not your emotions. Even tho fear is a contagious emotion (and shame is -as said- a social fear).
We do think so much frightening nonsense when we are afraid.
Hans
And -minding the A in LGBTQA-, please be an Ally as well. The nonsense in the media, when consensual puppy players and pet-players are being portrayed as zoophiles, or if adult and consensual age-players or ABDL-fetishists are being portrayed as child-molesters. They do need allies, just as we needed allies in the past. If people are not being told about consent, if people are not getting the right information, then they will judge wrongly.
But after you’ve informed them, do stop putting energy in some of those people that keep judging or hating you because of your fetish.
Haters are gonna hate, Judgers are gonna judge, Lovers are gonna love.
Kink Friendly Therapy
We heard people talk about great kink-friendly and kink aware therapists, even a kink-friendly clinic is a new development in the world of therapy that used to be -and often still is- so sex-negative, LGBTQ-unfriendly.
So use the -often free- pre-screening sessions that coaches and therapists often offer to ask about their kink-friendly, or kink-awareness.
Of course, in every scene, there are ‘peacocks’ that are the front-persons (like Jon and Karin). And you can look up to them as an example, with an “oh, if I only had that freedom”. But we do not know the stories that are behind their freedom.
So be as gay as you want, be as kinky as you want, and not more.
And the goal of coping with shame shouldn’t be to “lose all shame”. It is wiser to be mindful about that feeling, learn to ‘surf’ it instead of repressing it or roaring it down.
Sometimes it is enough to just be honest about your fetish aspects next to the other things that you find fulfilling in your life. There is more than fetish, and -turning it around- that too is not a reason to be ashamed. We heard a great personal story of a shibari-model that felt shame about the fu in gardening and knitting and how her honesty created a situation in which a queer model could finally live his mohair-fetish 😀
Adalberto told about the Ballroom-scene that is so open and that gatherings often start with a bit of history, thus creating a safe place. Because safe places are important! And we create them by owning our own shit!
Registration is until 5 pm on the day of the Kinky Talk, and the email with the invitation link will be sent around 7 pm at the latest on that day. (if you decide to join after that time, try to contact us for the Zoom link via Whatsapp or insta).
An interesting question could be:
What are you feeling when you are being shamed? (Shame? Anger? Pride?)
Tips:
- We got an inside tip for a private place in Bremen (Zone 283)
Again this was a great night, with open discussion, going on much longer than planned.
We personally do sincerely hope that Putin ends
all War-actions as soon as possible!
Refugees in Poland and LGBTQ-persons in problems in the Oekraine, they will all need money.
Some initiatives are:
- Urgent fund established to help LGBTQ+ people in Ukraine
- Forbidden-Colours.com: support Ukrainian Refugees #StandWithUkraine
- COC (NL) LHBTI persons in Oekraine
Thank you all for being there and sharing your experiences.
Kinky Talks 