2023-04-05 ~ Kinky Talks 43: Suicide exists!

Let’s break the Taboo!


(if you haven’t yet)


KinkyTalk Nr 43

Hans is giving a bit of a talk about suicide and out-of-the ordinary-sexuality, and we were thrilled to team up with Henk Burger, and an impromptu from Jon Stockton, to break the taboo around mental health and suicidal thoughts in our 🌈 community! Have a look at Henk’s: www.uittleven.com
Because sometimes it’s not all glitter and glamour. Our fun and gay lives have “that side” too. So let’s talk about it, we might literally help save some lives.


Kinky Talk 43 on Youtube

I hope to help remember that suicide does not just ‘happen’. It is a choice!
It is a choice as a way out… in times that appear to be hopeless, at that time. It is a choice in times that really seem to have no choices.
Not only for the young bi’s, gays, transes, lesbians, kinksters, nor just for the old. People come across this ‘choice’ even in the bloom of their life… and die…

Remember Dan Savage and others’ initiative
“It gets better!”

Dead because they were choosing that road actively, or because they’ve gotten careless in their alcohol- and drug use. The result is the same.
And the ones that are still here, we’ll never know how we might have helped them. Because we did not have the conversation, there isn’t any growth anymore, no way out of their situation anymore. And after, we’ll talk about this in ceremonies and speak about our sadness over a lost life. We’ll talk about it in ceremonies that help us to carry on. And we’ll probably say: “if we’d only known” or “if they’d only known how many have gathered here now, they wouldn’t have felt so freakishly alone that they wouldn’t have …”

This Kinky Talk was about the fact that we fucking know! The figures are there!
So let’s please talk about this. Admit it is not easy to just talk, especially if we don’t know how to, even if we don’t know what to say.
This Kinky Talk was here to save hopefully maybe one life. Maybe we even learn to talk about suicide and thus maybe save many. Because the existence of just one person who is understanding and openminded, someone who acknowledges the existence of the pain. Just one person like that might prevent suicide in something like 25% to even 50%. We’ll never know the exact numbers. But we did try…


Out of Life documentary

Henk Burger‘s “Out of Life” (Dch: “uit ‘t leven”) had its premiere at “de Roze Filmdagen“.

And is going to be presented:

This (https://youtu.be/DDHTmtTG-CI) is the link to the Dutch trailer from Henk Burger


It is a documentary about the high numbers of suicide for gay men and the shame about that taboo… outside the scene but also very much within the scene. Shame which is understandable for a group of people who’ve learned to be strong and survive by covering their pain by sticking a middle finger up to the world:
We exist. (Deal with it!).


From the non-recorded discussion

Not wanting to victimize anyone but the numbers are cringing. But it needs to be known by heteros what mark their actions leave on young souls. But also in the group that’s all gay and super-well… do we still talk to the blue wallflower that does not seem to do that well?
Do we talk? Do we ask?

Different countries and different cultures have different taboos. And some cultures are more afraid of -or hateful to- especially trans-people and gays, but in general to people with an out-of-the-ordinary sex life. And where the repressed often tend to repress their own psychological health and well-being… and the price they had to pay -especially during their youth and puberty- to fit in this world. So it is logical we search for ‘our people’ in groups and places that are a hide-out to us, a homecoming for a feeling of community…


But…

But are we welcoming others or are we self-obsessed and trying to create a super-fun group of possible sex partners. We say: “we are welcoming” but do we walk our talk?

How do we treat the poorer youngsters without exploitation? How do we treat the ones over 50?
Without being elitist, how do we encounter the ones not meeting our sex expectations? A lot of men close to 50 were often hurt in a group because of agism (sometimes they even did that hurting themselves). But meanwhile, that same group might have changed already. As was mentioned in our recent talk about the young kinksters: “be prepared: change is coming whether you are ready or not”. Our communities these days might be more welcoming than we might expect? Do not revert to hopelessness but try to connect to individuals.

And if our SM gets more silent (aiming at Social Media here), do we ask why someone isn’t so visible anymore?
And of course “Come, let’s go out together” may be well meant but waaaay too high of an aim, when somebody is down and out.
Having a walk(!) (in nature?) or having a coffee somewhere is probably a better start. Don’t expect to be well or expect someone to be able to have ‘fun’ when they are depressed. Stand next to someone if someone is making those small but significant steps from “absolutely horribly shitty” to ‘only’ “really really shitty”. In depression closing in on suicide, you need to start early enough because the first steps out of the darkness are really small steps that do take time.
Ask, don’t judge. And give it time…


Adalberto & Hans

If you are interested to chat about these events: join our Talks!
If you are interested to talk about this yourself as from your own perspective, please contact Adalberto or Hans

#mentalhealth, #lgbtmentalhealth, #lgbtcommunity, #suicideprevention, #lgbtsuicideawareness


Our Talks are a judgment-free and taboo-free safe space to discuss, ask, share, and learn.
The format: (1) presentation of the topic by guests / hosts (recorded and published later on the website), (2) open discussion.
Just listen in, or ask lots of questions, all is cool. Feel free to DM us at any time 🤗

The Zoom link will be sent out to all newsletter members ~1 hour before the start.
If you aren’t registered yet visit for registration before 16:00 CET on the day of the Talk.

To our new listeners: if you mute yourself you don’t run the risk of Zoom automatically switching toward you and exposing you on our Youtube. (we will shut down the recording later on, to have an open private discussion)


Mental health and wellbeing resources:

(add tips I may have forgotten pleeeaase)

  • Holland: 113.nl (Dutch)
  • USA: Trevor Project (suicide prevention for LGBTQ+ youth): https://www.thetrevorproject.org/ The Trevor Project’s Mission is to end suicide among lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, queer & questioning young people. The Trevor Project offers five key programs: crisis services, peer support, research, public education, and advocacy.
  • USA: Suicide Prevention Lifeline: https://suicidepreventionlifeline.org/
  • USA: BEAM – Black Emotional And Mental Health: https://www.beam.community/ The Black Emotional and Mental Health Collective aims to bring together, heal and liberate Black marginalized communities.
  • USA: SAGE – Advocacy & Services for LGBT Elders: https://www.sageusa.org/
  • USA: National Domestic Violence Hotline: https://www.thehotline.org/
  • USA: The Network LA Red works to end partner abuse in lesbian, gay, bisexual, transgender, BDSM, polyamorous, and queer communities. They provide a 24-hour hotline, support groups, and housing pathway programs. 
  • USA: SAMHSA’s National Helpline is a free, confidential, 24/7, 365-day-a-year treatment referral and information service (in English and Spanish) for individuals and families facing mental and/or substance use disorders. 
  • Heart of England Leather (Facebook group): https://www.facebook.com/groups/562691864844158
  • Leather 1-0-1 (Facebook group): https://www.facebook.com/groups/888207441745871

They are 1 person
They are 2 alone
They are 3 together
They are 4 each other

Helplessly Hoping, Crosby, Stills & Nash

Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

Leave a Reply

Fill in your details below or click an icon to log in:

WordPress.com Logo

You are commenting using your WordPress.com account. Log Out /  Change )

Facebook photo

You are commenting using your Facebook account. Log Out /  Change )

Connecting to %s

%d bloggers like this: