2022-06-01 ~ Kinky Talks 33: Long-ing Relationships… (long term, long distance)

This is a temporary file…
I am really really busy these days (finding and moving house and such. So please be forgiving)

2022-06-01 ~ Kinky Talks 33: Long-ing Relationships… (long term, long-distance)
https://hetruigerewerk.wordpress.com/portfolio/2022-06-01-kinky-talks-33-longing-relationships-long-term-long-distance/

Discussion notes:

Punishing over distance is not so easy. Because you can’t whip or pinch. But you can punish your slave over long distance by taking away the things they love.
And that may not be immediately “chastity!” (because you might want chastity combined with lust, not by punishment)

If you have “the black book” (literally or as a concept the thread of the punishment that is going to come, that may be a punishment in itself. Knowing you are going to have to deal with it is half the punishment.

Contact

Have regular moments and maintain little rituals together.
You could eat the same meal on either end of the world at the same time
watch a game together or an online movie together

Put the special days of your lover in your agenda
Put the special holidays of the culture of your long-distance partner in your agenda
Radiogarden app makes it possible to hear the news from over there (bad or good) so you’ll know what is going on in the life of your partner

Make an effort and pace yourself. Do not make it into a sprint, this is a marathon

Understand that getting a 100% of your wishes is just not possible!!

Ways to get it working

from Stockholm to Boston or from Canada to Europe

Do new things together like Building Blogging Book writing.
With new ingredients, you can bake new Relationship-Gateaus

Do not take it for granted
a trick is: to think about the fact that what is there just as easily could not be there. Ilness. Accident… Poof!
Check yourself and take this in!

Nothing that I have, I should take for granted.

Relationship advise

Stay grounded and have a re-evaluation of your relationship every 1 to 2 years

Deep D/s and certainly M/s relations get to our core and give us purpose. As a sub, you crave purpose. SO try to find it together.

Communication

Terminology:
“Nesting Partner” rather than “primary partner” because a ‘primary’ creates a secondary and nobody wants to be that second one.
Altho the idea that you could have different ‘primaries’could arise. Being the “Nesting Primary” does not automatically mean that you are also the “Sexual Primary”?
Bull named it: it is a different harbour

Spot told us that he is so transparent and clear that he does not fight with his nesting partner. Things are not blowing up in your face if you deal with it upfront and right away)
So sit tight and drill! And don’t do the “forget it” or the “let’s drop it” ’cause it will blow up in your face

Manage expectations and manage the buildup of reconnecting after a long time

Dare to say “I’m sorry (and I overreacted)”. The vulnerability that is in saying “sorry” gives more trust

time management is important (thanks to google agenda)

If you are going to meet then build up to meeting each other so that you don’t have to go from cold to full-on steaming intensity

Value the little moments of contact

In long-distance relationships, the time difference (of 5-6 hours) can be a thing to recon with.

For people into it, a long-distance relationship gives a different type of relationship and the connection over a long distance opens up a whole new world because(!) of the big differences

Do not overestimate yourself. As for poly: opening up sexually or opening up emotionally… are we really able(!) to open up sexually without opening up romantically?

Vanilla talks

Vanillas don’t always understand… and they don’t need to!. It’s not their kink.. But it is yours! So they have to respect it or they don’t respect you.
You may have to decide that some vanillas that do not respect your kink may have to leave your life.
Understanding is not always possible but respect is (if you tell them what respect looks like to you)

So inform them about the underlying dynamics of your kink. And the things that may not be that clear on the surface.
Give people time (lots of time)! Remember how much time it took you to understand the ins-and-outs of your own kinkiness. And to you this was interesting.

But you are with someone because of a reason. So be grateful if someone is interested. Don’t push it because that could cause resentment. Explain what it does for you, What you are in that kinky situation. The goal-feeling it is to you.
Kinksters sometimes want to be understood right away, even before explaining. But this is like another kind of getting out of the closet. Help them find their vocabulary. And it is a sign of love that they are interested in something that is of no internal interest to them, apart from the fact that it is of interest to you!

And don’t just drop your partner if they don’t understand. But invest time and energy

Take the risk of being yourself. IF people don’t fit you as you are, you might have some thoughts about whether you need that person in your life over longer periods of time

Final words

Is Spot Lucky? Is Adalberto lucky? Or did they work hard on coping strategies that work?

You say I am lucky? Yes, I am lucky, very lucky!
And the funny thing is… the harder I work the luckier I get (..)

Spot

So be ready to learn from the shifting moments in your life

Revitalise your relation
Revitalise your thing

Engage and match expectations.

What can you get out of this on both sides of the equation? And talk about what you want to get out of this (it makes chances much higher that you’ll get what you want)
And don’t try to squeeze something out of this relationship that is not in there

Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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