2021-09-04 ~ Kinky Talks 24: From Sex to Chems and Back

Especially the people who are fond of kicks and new sensations and people who like to party and play, they are likely to have encounters with drugs (and alcohol is a drug too) and/or with people that use drugs in a combination with sex.

Watch the talk about chemsex without blame or nonsense. And if you have any questions: contact Hans.


It’s not always easy to say “no”

By now there is a lot of evidence that “just say no” really is of very, very little value!

But of course you don’t have to say “yes” to any of this. Meeting people that use drugs or that combine drugs and sex does not mean that you have to say “let me come with you in this experience”. You could say “bye” to those people if you have the self-confidence, if you do the work to not need the approval of those people.

It is overtly clear. There is an increase of people experimenting with drugs. There are more and more people that understand that the fear that was instilled by the nonsense “You are immediately hooked!”-stories from the 60’s and 70’s are just as nonsensical as the “Nothing can happen to you”-stories amongst naive users. There are more and more people that are informed:

Messing with your brain can be both dangerous ànd fun ànd revealing.

We discussed that, if you met people in your playing field, you want them to be in the same universe. If they are over-users those people are childish buzz-killers, because they could bring serious harm to themselves by not taking up their self-responsibilities. So if you leave them to their own resources… you leave them in a dangerous place. Still you have to think about how far you want to be dragged from own your life quality by people who neglect theirs.

But the people who use during playing with you, they know there is an inversely proportional relation between the depth and dangerousness of your play and the amount used. Heavy ‘edge-play’ should be done with a sane mind (and do take your own ‘subspace’ or ‘Domspace’ into account, please). Some people only like to play absolutely sober, you could play with drugs too but then you really have to take into account that the pain-perception is altered in the bottom/sub side of play, that risk-perception is altered on the Top/Dom-side of play.

do not expect ‘normal’!

Hans

Both if you have used something or if you do not want your play partner… just don’t wait till you are asked but tell it yourself, without having to be asked. Don’t assume that your partner knows, for in some circles it is ‘normal’ to have used and in other circles is is ‘normal’ to be sober…

Let’s be clear. The dependence circle starts with fun… Sometimes people loose sight of how to have fun while being sober so that’s a start in FUNctional use. Where we start to ‘unlearn’ our abilities to enjoy sex (with biological realistic terms, with awareness of societal influences so that the heteronormativity of our society that creates the shaming of ‘other’ sexualities does not need to be numbed to freely enjoy non-heteronormative, with social skills to leave or enter peergroups instead of dope).

How to keep fun-use fun,
instead of fun-ctional?

Hans

Sometimes we see our brothers declining and basically loosing their sexuality in the hunt for sex and chems (spoiler alert: sometimes dope wins from sexuality) and good friends from before are weaning away. |Then it is easy to let go and say nothing. But I ask you to have the courage to start the difficult conversations: “Sorry dude, but your drug use gets in the way of our contact. I am just not that interested in you anymore if you keep up using like this (or more).” Believe me, people won’t like to hear this message. Some will even react with insulting you to be “square” or closed-mindedness. So be it. There is a chance they’ll remember your words later on (especially if you’re the third or fourth to say so). There might even be a chance they will thank you for your clarity later on in their lives.

Healthy boundaries are OK to set to self and others…

Hans

If we keep dope fun and use while we are aware the salutogenic, healthy aspects of instead of creating ‘normality’ in the use (like: “I wouldn’t know how to dance without a few drinks”) then we are aware of the slow changes that are the unhealthy foundations of many an addiction.

If you feed people B.S. info, they stop listening.
Let’s be honest. Partying with drinks and drugs can be fun! And if we are honest: a lot of people do so. And also: sex with drinks and drugs can be fun. Because it releases inhibitions and gets things going… it is a quick fix to our own inhibitions toward shameless sex… But quick fixes are in the way of healing ourselves from our own inhibitions and shame.

When you understand -as a self-deciding person- that you are fed shit for years… one tends to stop eating.

Hans

Let’s give realistic info and let’s not pretend you are immediately hooked, just as alcoholism does not kick in with your first drink. There will never be this one drink that will be the topping-point: “oops, if I hadn’t drank that one glass I wouldn’t have been addicted”
If we are honest, drugs can be used to help perform and reach (sexual) goals that maybe cannot be reached (so easily) without. So what can we learn from that? What’s the lesson?.. that will be different for everyone.

A lot of the things that were the original reasons to use dope can be reached by practising. But your practising did stop when “the quick fix” got in the way of “slow training”.

If you want sexual top-sports, you need to invest in your training time!

Hans Kink Aware Coach

Watch the talk about chemsex without blame or nonsense. And if you have any questions: contact Hans.

Let’s get real and responsible


When you got ideas for future talks or if you have any questions, pose them to Hans or Adalberto.
See you next time!


Registration on our Mailchimp-list is until 5 pm on the date of our Kinky Talk. And the email with the zoom-link for our talk (starting at 8pm A’dam time) will be sent around 7pm, that date.
We will record the first part of this talk, and then continue with unrecorded open conversations about “subspace” and “how to’s” in all privacy. Please keep your microphone muted until we stop the recording, or you might risk getting your face on YouTube.

Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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