2021-03-24 ~ Kinky Talks 17: What makes a good Dominant?


After an annoying start due to technical zoom sh#t, Hans West and Johnny Iron started this evening up with some basic thoughts about the question “What makes a good Dominant?” And not so much the obvious “things”, the visible and the ‘twitterable’, but rather the person underneath the Dom. The relationship underneath the D/s.

We talked about the risk of a ‘domly’ tunnel vision, created by your own dopamine?-Dom-rush. Sometimes Domstaking things too far and violate the trust that the submissive put in them.

Hans stated that sex is a great field for therapy because the things tyou are able to do in sex are often easier outside of sex (asking for the things you want, being able to Dom, being able to submit, taking your initiative, being honest and being in the here-and-now)

We talked about the way that fetish clothing, music, your favourite whip can be a totem, an object from where you derive your Dom-mindset. But we also talked about honesty in the contact. Not focussing so much on the “what”, “the thing” level of BDSM that seems so important in the online world. More focussing on the “why” (“why am I into this?”). It is easy to look at the visible aspects of BDSM-play and believe that that is what it is all about. The whipping, the black-and-blue buttocks the pics on your profile. But isn’t it more important to have a look at the human and relational aspects underneath? Without safety, there won’t be much of a relationship. And that goes for BDSM-relationships too. It Is easy to say you are horny while you are actually lonely. It seems less vulnerable. But actually, it is. It is easy to mistake respect and ‘domlyness’ for being aggressive and frightening.

We talked quite a bit about honesty this night, about the person underneath de ‘Dom’ and about the work that needs to be done for the experience of a good fulfilling scene.

We talked about growing honesty… Do you really loose much if you choose to be honest instead of dishonest to be sure you will get what you want? Or should you maybe be glad that the dishonest people leave you because they do not want your honest sex, your honest BDSM-aspects? Because they don’t know what to do with it? Wouldn’t that have hurt you in the future?

Another way of growing honesty is by creating shared goals, by creating things to work at together. And rather than making it important to achieve them, the route together towards these goals might be way more important.
Working on communicative skills, and working on patience to let things grow, instead of creating them in a plastic form.
Learn to know each other’s mannerisms, reactions, kicks and weaknesses so you do not have to use safe-words that often anymore. (Nothing wrong with a safe-word. Not only the well known “Red” -or “vagina” LOL- to end the scene, but also yellow/orange, and even “Green”!)

People sometimes (because they thought that “the thing”, “the picture” should be easily attainable) have an educational confusion and want to skip from “Kindergarten-level” straight onto “university-level”. No wonder they falter.

We talked a bit about the rather new ‘findom-fetish’ that might stem from the earlier economic crises, but now that Covid gave a lot of people financial problems, a lot of people have found out that BDSM might be a new ‘market’ where money is to be made (without being interested in the emotional dynamics that let’s us be an honest kinkster instead of a financial milking-cow).

Covid also forces us to be in our homes in our closets. And therefore it creates an urge to go out, an urge to explode into parties and wild sex (perhaps even ‘aided’ by chems). And maybe the power-people in the scene, the sash-wearers also have a responsibility to voice that it is not just about letting out the extremes, but that instead it is about BDSM-relationships!

Doms are just like balloons. The bigger they blow themselves up, the harder they are about to deflate.

Hans West

Adalberto and I, we are a bit averse to the “there is only one way” and boxes people want to put us into. So we talk about labels in BDSM that help us navigate. Understanding that we can’t be put in a box but you could stick at least 27 labels on me as a person.

When you got ideas or questions, pose them to Hans or Adalberto.
See you next time!








Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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