2020-11-18 ~ Kinky Talks 11: How to avoid Drama!


We were talking about Drama in the scene and in our (sex) lives.

Hans did a little talk about ‘drama’ and how it could be looked upon along the lines of the ‘Drama Triangle’ by Karpman (a psychologist with a love for the Greek Drama -and the three roles of ‘drama’: the Victim, the Rescuer and the Persecutor – and that you either have to silence or exaggerate your true feelings to create Drama ).

Just to help us to recognise what we might do ourselves to avoid drama (spoiler alert: it might need some awkward or hard talk and/or some acceptance).


Talking together about drama

the theoretical start of KinkyTalk 11

We were again a nice international group. Literally form all over the world. And the points of view were diverse, and again some really interesting points were made during our lively discussion (thanks guys).

Thinks to ponder about, like: am i really a stakeholder or an outside observer and does that influence my speaking up -or not-?
Sometimes individual rights seem to conflict with community goals. But then again some community goals may start to conflict with individual goals. And maybe -if you see groups as labels instead of boxes- you can be in both groups in the same time?
Do we avoid drama at all cost? Or does not speaking your voice sometimes is a bigger ‘cost’ (for you as an individual or for the community). Wars are often possible because the majority stays silent.

“We are gay. We looove the drama!”

group member
humor
original

There is also good drama

And the next day I happened to come across Roberta Flack’s “The first Time Ever I Saw your Face” in a playlist.
And then it came to me that we forgot something: We also want Drama because we want to feel we are not alone, we all hurt. Hearing the drama of another helps us to soften our existential loneliness a bit, or at least helps us to cry a little…

But drama can be fun too as some of the group members with Italian blood stated clearly. It is one of the spices in our life (and in our BDSM-scenes). Creating drama, creating conflict in a scene can add fire and fun to a scene, especially if you can resolve the drama with a bit of humor.
Drama can give voice to swallowed feelings and add flux to stagnant situations. As we learned from a producer of on-stage drama: the conflict in the drama can be resolved in a lesson, in the moral of the story.
as an old fart it might be easy to say that we don’t want the drama perhaps, but it also might help opening up and help to get a clearer view on the commitment of both of the conflict-parties, their commitment toward the the relationship underneath might be really different (for an infinite number of reasons). That difference in commitment might be the reason for conflict.

It is easy to say: “relationships are all about communication”.
But is that true? Often you see the best communicator trying “to ‘win’ the relationship” (…)

Hans

And even tho drama might be fun. There are some people who love the drama because that is their main way to draw attention to themselves. Then “do not feed the trolls” might be an important tip. For “what you give energy, that is what grows.”

Adjacent to that we talked about drama in the BDSM communities, where the work that is being done is often volunteer work (and if you’re not payed, where does your satisfaction come from when we are a whole bunch that gets off on powerplay …at least some drama is to be expected 😉 )
How to react to drama-bringers there?

People change, times change, so groups change. Sometimes they have to split, sometimes they split but both try to attend to a bigger cause. And sometimes showing that you are having fun along the way can soften up the hard-liners to rejoin the fun they lost along the way.

Trying to understand and respect their needs, wants or nice to haves and talking about behaviour instead of people helps. We all do our best and we al fuck up.
Cutting somebody out of a group without is hard. And not providing a way for redemption by showing effort (not so much by “not making any mistakes” but rather by showing the effort to learn from mistakes”, that is a way to regain the trust of the community).


Reactions to Drama

It is important to try to understand, try to respect their underlying needs, wants or nice to haves. Even if you don’t approve of their behaviour. Cutting somebody out of your life without having done this step is drama… 🙂
Not trying to be right but it helps to search for the 5% truth that undoubtedly is within their words (for no one is 100% wrong and no one is 100% right). But still in the end you might have to distance from toxic people.

“Hell is other people”

Jean-Paul Sartre

Then it is wise to talk about behaviour not about persons, It is advisable to talk about values and not rules. Especially if people are endangering the safety of a group i is not easy to manage this as a group leader, without placing yourself in the role of the ‘judge’. For both as the ‘rescuer’ as the ‘perpetrator’ you are entering the field of drama.

Thanks for your honesty and input for all the people there



Literature

  • Lencioni, Patrick M.: The Five Dysfunctions of a Team (about trust and healthy agreements and common goals in a team)
  • Lencioni, Patrick M.:  “Death by Meeting” (about “bad meetings -and the lack of healthy conflict that makes them boring-)
  • Covey, Stephan: The Speed of Trust (about “smart trust” in relationships)

Published by KinkindeRelatie

A Kink Aware and openminded (relationship) coach. That does not mean you have to talk about kink, but at least here you don't have to be silent about it.

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